The Solitary Saunter: Through the eyes of an alien-Planet Earth!

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Project Earth-Final Report

I hail the Great Zishaw-the life force of our planet X4F1 and submit before you the final report of my mission-Project Earth. It has been an honour to have been chosen for the project. Since the time we discovered the existence of life on another planet called Earth, it has been an issue of prime importance to know and understand more about it. Though it was very difficult to study the planet without physically entering it, I tried my level best to gather as much information as possible from some reliable sources.

Source of information
I attempted contact with a 'teen' i.e. a young one of the human species through what is popularly known as internet on Earth-it is a primitive system of communication still in use on the planet which goes to show that the Earthlings are technologically not very advanced. I also discovered that the species does not possess the emotion of trust. I told the young homo sapien that I am from another planet but he refused to believe. Moreover, he insisted on calling the conversation a chat. Wonder what that means.
I asked him the best source of information available about everything and he said-'TV Ads of course!'
'Where do they live?' I asked. He was quite amused at the question and said,'You don't seem too good in English. You mean where can you watch them? You can find them all on Google.'
I must have said something wrong and therefore not wanting to raise suspicion, I broke contact. I had the name of the most authentic source-ads.

Study sample
A territory on Earth known as India.
I chose this particular one as the young one told me that India is the place with the most diverse cultures and people and therefore made an ideal sample to study Earth.

Method
I typed Google and what seemed like an electronic dictionary opened up in front of me. The word 'ads' led to YouTube-the name is misleading. It is actually a compilation of all relevant information available with humans in the form of moving visual images and some are called 'ads' or 'advertisements'.
I learnt a lot,thanks to 'ads', though I do not understand why something that is so important is not safeguarded and is so easily accessible?

Significant findings

The predominant species on the planet Earth is the homo sapiens, the common name being humans. Everything on Earth is primarily about this race. There are two genders in humans-male and female.

The Mating Game
The males are avidly pursuing the other sex and that seems to be the sole purpose of their lives.
The factors deciding mating success are many, the most significant being a highly aphrodisiac spray known as 'deodorant' . It almost magically makes the male tremendously attractive to a number of females who can't get their hands off him. It appeals to the sense of smell from afar and the efficiency is directly proportional to the amount of spray being applied. I knew I would not be trusted on this one so I have added a clip of the same for you to see it for yourself.

I strongly recommend that we send a secret mission to Earth to procure the magic potion.

There are two schools of thought on Earth regarding the discipline of mating. One is a literature called Kaamsutra while the other is a product of plant life-Aamsutra. The latter is the latest version I presume and is turning the tables on the mating game. The fruit 'aam' seems to turn on women to the extent that they initiate foreplay just at the sight or touch of it. It must have taken centuries for the development of such a product and it is highly commendable.

Application of a gooey brown substance called chocolate on the facial features also attracts the opposite sex. I know that it sounds very messy but is indeed effective.

Dual skin phenomenon
A very striking feature about humans unlike any other species on Earth is their capability to alter their superficial skins. They have a wide variety of skins available in different colours and patterns according to the status of the human in the hierarchical structure of the species. They call them clothes. One thing that is difficult to comprehend is whether these skins are preferred in abundance or rarity. Humans seem to flaunt extremely long drapes at times and very tiny ones on others.

A very peculiar cloth is the 'baniyan'- a piece of clothing that imparts courage,strength and good luck to the male who dons it. The transformation on adorning it from being human to superhuman is enchanting,

The female species seems very courageous and ambitious as well. She has cyclical changes though and seems to wish to achieve and change everything during particular five days of the month called 'periods'. I am yet to gather what is so special about these days but it is definitely closely related to the cottony comfort of a rectangular gauge piece. Maybe we can probe further and use the information to strengthen and motivate our people to be proactively involved in change.

Survival of the fairest
An important determinant of a human's survival is the body colour. Using a miracle creamy substance can significantly alter that and increase the chance of a male or female to be favourably selected over the others. The body colour also has a deep impact on the level of confidence of humans. The lighter it is,the more confident they seem.

The threat-Gravity of bonding
The Earthlings are bonded together by a very strong connect that withstands all the tests of time and hardships. It is known as Fevicol and is extremely difficult to break. It is the force behind gravity as well. I even learnt that a previous attempt at taking over the planet was thwarted by Fevicol. The following video is extremely graphic and scary for all non-earth dwellers. Kindly use discretion in watching.

Addictions
The Earthlings are addicted to a black liquid and are ready to risk extreme danger,injury and possible death to consume a single bottle of the brew. I therefore conclude that it is a very rare,extremely potent highly sought after concoction,the deprivation of which causes humans to behave in an irrational manner.

An addictive in the solid state is 'pan masala'- it is also dark in colour but I do not know for sure whether it is solidified aforementioned drink or a separate entity all together. It is apparently highly hallucinogenic and causes visual and tactile hallucinations to the consumer. The hallucinations are grandeur and/or erotic in nature.

The clean & white obsession
Earthlings keep a check on each other and are very particular about two things:
1)Teeth
2)Toilets
It is very important that the paste they use contains salt i.e. a chemical composition of NaCl else the defaulter runs the risk of a secret agent appearing out of thin air along with a team lamenting him for the same.

Moreover,teeth need to be extra white. This is another fixation with the colour white.
The humans love white bodies and white teeth but are morbidly scared of white hair.

The areas for discarding bodily wastes known as toilets on Earth must be spotlessly clean at all times. Failing to do so shall result in uninvited guests at your doorstep who insist on cleaning your toilet for you. Pretty embarrassing,I think!

White is the most important colour on Earth as you must have gathered by now. Humans,especially females,are constantly checking out if any neighbour's articles of clothing are whiter than the ones at home. It leads to a fairly high amount of jealousy and friction until she contacts some scientists who tell her about the best whitening powder which is much more effective than the 'ordinary' powder she has been using.

IPL Festival
The festival eagerly awaited and celebrated with feverish intensity is IPL. Every human,irrespective of his age,sex and hierarchical status takes active part in the festivities. During the festival, emotions run high and humans have a difficult time concentrating on any other activity.

I accumulated a substantial amount of data and was very confident of my report when I came across an immensely disturbing audio-visual material. After going through it, all my interpretations have gone out of the window. It seems to be a cryptic message that aims to destroy all synaptic connections in the plasma of any living creature in the universe. I have barely survived watching it and shall still undergo prolonged periods of space-time in therapy to get over it.
I advise you not to watch it.